你心裡有甚麼夢想？如果你無須懼怕失敗，你會做甚麼？

-Enjoy life with family and friends. Go exercise, play, and read in the sun everyday.

甚麼令你哭泣？甚麼負擔使你滿腔熱誠？

-Suffering in friends and family make me cry. I'm passionate about people who lack self esteem, who are timid/quiet, who needs a little caring and encouragement.

你又為甚麼而歌唱？甚麼令你喜悅或歡樂滿懷？

-I sing for me and my Lord. I'm happy when I help lift someone up. I'm content when I believe I live for a divine purpose today.

If I could only accomplish one thing before I die, what would that be?

I would tell my dad that I love him, I was mad at him but I forgave him.

What are the top three things that make me feel happy and fulfilled?

1. To lift someone up. 2. Spend time with close friends. 3. Being loved by the person I love

What are the top three things that distract me from enjoying my life?

1. Money-sometimes saving money takes me away from spend time w/my friends
2. SmartPhone- spending 2 hours on it is easy, that's 2 hours from other task/people
3. that's it!

Am I in control of my thoughts, or am I at the mercy of them?

75% of the time I'm in control of my thoughts. I'm thankful for being created optimistic.

Am I in control of my eating decisions, or am I at the mercy of them?

I used to be driven by gluttony. Not anymore! I've learned to portion size what I need to consume in one meal. I do allow cheat snacks/milk teas everyday if I've been productive or exercised.

What strengths did I use to achieve three major goals in my life?

1. I struggle with fitting in with American culture and language. I have a language teacher who encouraged me to write more in English and was very friendly and patient when she corrected my papers. Another Science teacher inspired me with science and acknowledged the effort I spent for class assignments. I hold on to their encouragements for the next 2 years to finish high school and made it to college.

2. My very first leading experience of a small group of 8-10 college students was both exciting and frightening. I wrote a script of what to say. 20 minutes before start time, I had to be alone to calm down. I was getting too nervous and frightened. Out of desperation, I cried out to God for His presence and help in the last 20 minutes. This is the first time I learned to trust that God is in control, all of the good and bad is all part of His plan. Rehearse and pray!

3. When I first started working, I hated who I was at work, I felt I didn't have the qualifications to work this job, I pretended to be a professional when I felt not. This chaos inside me created a lot of stress. Every evening I'd go shopping and spending most of my money in the first year. I started doing self talks to find the positive things about the situation, "Maggy, you have a degree that this company requires for this job. You have knowledge on the human body that none of your clients possess, you enjoy teaching others and listening to their needs. You may be new to this field, you need more time to build up your experience and your confidence, etc." These self talks reminded me of the positive things in my life, it is okay to feel inadequate, it is okay not to be perfect all the time. Slow down and count the positive things.

8. How can I use these strengths more often?

1 Persistence to learn about this new culture: to keep trying and working toward a task that I believe can be meaningful in the end. I remind myself not to give up so easily, give it a time frame, avoid repeating methods that didn't work, try new method, pray and believe that God is in control!

2. Leadership/caring: have been using these skills at church, home 

and work. God has given me more and more in these areas.

3. Self motivation: I'm slowly learning to feed positive thoughts and God's words into my system, Sometime I have to stop my thinking power, remind myself how God sees me, how He loves me with and without this problem, and that I'm a part of His grand plan, His family; and I am alive because God has given me a purpose and it has not yet been done.

活著是痛苦的
為甚麼生命是這樣﹖

我開始發現人生並不容易，特別在剛來到美國的四年裡。
第一天上課時發現我技不如人，完全聽不明白老師同學的對話。
老師說完話，同學一窩鋒地上前去拿台上的紙，我方才意識到也許老師是叫我們上
前去 。
我是最慢也是最後拿紙張的一個。
我在做甚麼﹖
一向成績優異，受老師欣賞的我今天淪落到這地步。
在這個新國家要如何過活﹖我不屬於這裡，我只是多余的孩子。
看見迎面來的盡是壓力，心裡極之難過。

還記得4-5歲和小同學們相處的日子。
當大家流傳誰誰誰是校花校草時，我也開始留意我們的校花，總想給她一個好印象，
找機會在她身邊徘徊。
聽說校花只會看上校草，我聽了很不憤，為甚麼她不能看上我﹖
那時候我並不理解自己的這些想法和感受。
踏入小學一年班的日子是快樂的，學業不煩重，吸受著多姿多彩的知識。
我發現我愛上了班上一個女孩，她很漂亮，看見她我就很快樂。
那時的我用盡 辦法 出現她身邊，說笑話討好她，對她呵護備至，盼望她也會愛上
我。
甚至說服了我的兩位男同學為我制造機會，讓我碰上她，增加交談機會。

長大了才意識到甚麼叫明目張膽地追女孩，毫不忌諱，不擔心也不退縮。
過了暑假，我 最後淡忘了她的容貌。

踏入9歲的我認識了一個孤僻的同學。她缺乏家人關愛，零用錢比我多，自由瀾漫，
無拘無束，不合群，不易相處，不在乎學業。
我羨慕她的生活也痛惜她。
我倆漸漸成為好知己，每天放學也一起在家附近遊蕩，聊天，看電視。回到自己家
中才努力趕功課。
看見她的孤獨，心裡想愛護她。我過得很快樂，知道我是她身邊唯一的朋友。

我正慢慢地愛上她，這一次我竭力地隱藏這份愛，不能被她知道也要小
心不被他人懷疑。若隱若現的明白到我的愛是畸形的愛，別人會看我為怪物，我會
被人嫌棄被逐出家門。她知情的話，我連待在她身邊的機會也沒有了。甜蜜滲苦的
日子正面臨我的家人要去美國的結局，11歲的我心裡像被撕裂般，要和我的愛人分
離。在我離開前她買了小禮物囑咐我要永遠記得她，我心裡甚苦，你可知道我多不
捨得你﹖
到了美國我禁不住寫信給她，其中問道﹕我喜歡你，你可喜歡我﹖
她回信﹕我喜歡你!
信中其他內容表示她並不明白我的意思。
我們的美好就留給以前的我倆吧。

同性戀的這條路很苦，沒有同伴，只有自己作自己的朋友和軍師，真正愛我的人你
究竟在哪裡﹖

When I look back, I started serious loan seeking, market researching, reaching out to an realtor back in June 2014. Studying the different types of condos, areas, expectations, affordability, money reserves, reality and dreams.  I must tell you how much fun I have and enjoy the sense of accomplishment for learning so much. I found another kind of love for house hunting!

On my third offer, the seller finally accepted it. We started a journey of failures, heartache, disappointment, alienation from family/church friends, incapabilities, betrayal, insecurity, and admitting that I'm weak, I'm selfish and I'm not capable. I am crushed. I'm drained, all out of love for this condo. I'm ready to quit, deep inside of me, I long to rest.

I miss the days when I don't desire for more or less, when I'm just content.

As a manager,
I struggle most with confrontations and disciplinary acts for under-performing staff.
As a coach,
I'm natural at caring, supporting, encouraging and lifting my staff in prayers.

I see life is about connecting all areas together. I'm still a coach at work, a manager at home. Today I'm proud that I made a decision to hear my under-performing staff out and prayed with him.

Jesus, I hope this is what You would've done with the under performing me. Kindness.

I have been mentally exhausted over this process of home buying, getting a loan, gathering documents, etc. I couldn't sleep well with so many deadlines to meet, I couldn't focus at work, I almost forgot deadlines at church/work. Opps. I have a harder time doing my breathing & calming exercises. I realize I'm losing my way for this home. So, what is really important? Why do I drive myself crazy over this home? Is it leading closer to God or away from Him?

I was so tired that I finally prayed, Lord, I don't want this home anymore. It's Yours, take it away from me. Give it to me in Your time, I don't want it anymore.

In my dream, I had a dream with K. I told her what I love most about her, her love and passion for people. Her love inspires me, her passion moves me. We chat for a long time. I have an awesome time sharing my thoughts with her like old days. When I wake up, I feel pleasant, I feel satisfied. I knew God has healed me once again. He knew my desires and filled them in His way. Thank You, Jesus.

I was driving home after a long stressful day. I suddenly thought of corn porridge what k made for me and how much I love them. I know my eyes would light up whenever she asks to make corn porridge for me. I wonder if you ever wonder why I like it that much?

I really love the way k loves the people around her. I call that life. Passion.
I admire the love and passion k pours out unto others. My heart stops when I try to feel the depth of her love. It's a one of a kind feeling to feel this connection. People tell me she has changed, I believe in k. She must be tired. Don't lose what's important, follow God.

Sigh, one of the protection questions:
who's your best friend?
I can't believe I put down my ex's name a few years ago....

I have dreamed of K again, it was her wedding. Everyone left the party. Carroll was in the back waiting for me. K and I went to the balcony, we saw a goat peeing at her garage, then a cow. We laughed. I was tempted to hug her and kiss her. Then I woke up and was running late for work.

This is the 6th dream of her.

God helps me with Soul Searching

Began soul searching for 12 months, I'm surprised to bring to surface these lies, fears and misconceptions. These have misled me for years and greatly impacted the way I view myself and others. Now that I'm aware of their existence and I'm given a chance to bring them to Jesus.

As I lift them up to Jesus in prayers, there's usually nothing drastic that follows.

When I run into the person who's hurt me deeply, I notice my interaction around him is slightly different.

I'm able to face him, I'm able to listen to him, and not let any of his comments take root in my mind. On the long run, I can imagine my friendship with this person is in less tension, this friendship is finally given a chance to develop. 

I'm fortunate to see the difference in my interactions with these people. A hurt person does not respond normally to negative stimuli. When I'm no longer hurt, I can respond in a healthier manner. Without God's love, I'd never dig at my life and now gain sight to how much more I can live.

During our prayer session, we dealt with a few issues every session.

Lifehack.org"

Don’t let others confuse you. Your heart already knows what’s best for you. Listen to it. Others might know what’s best for themselves, but they surely don’t know what’s best for you.  A favorite quote of mine by Albert Einstein says:

The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. Those who walk alone are likely to find themselves in places no one has ever been before.

Even if people do not support you, that doesn’t mean that you are wrong. The truth is that the world isn’t  as it is, but as we see it.  And we all see it differently. Don’t be afraid.. It’s okay to take a different path, as long as you know why you are doing so.

這星期學習到一個很震撼我的概念﹕
我先有了表面知識，加上親身經歷，演變成非一般的生活意義，生命真實的流露。

Knowledge + Experience = deeper meaning of life

I wish I could write such a loving letter to my beloved friends...

Dear ______,
I just want you to know that I understand.
I understand how it feels to be in love with a woman. To want nothing more than to be with her forever. Feeling as if the universe has played a cruel joke on your heart by allowing it to fall into the hands of a creature that looks just like you.
I too was a lesbian. I had same-sex attractions as early as five-years old. As I grew up, those feelings never subsided. They only grew. I would find myself having crushes on my female best friends, but I was far too ashamed to admit it to them — let alone to myself.
At the age of 17, I finally made the decision to pursue these desires. I entered into a relationship with a young lady who became my “first.” The first time we kissed, it felt extremely natural, as if this feeling is what I had been missing all along. After her came another woman and then another woman. Both relationships were very serious, each lasting over a year. I enjoyed these relationships and loved these women a lot. And it came to the point that I was willing to forsake all, including my soul, to enjoy their love on earth.
In October 2008, at the age of 19, my superficial reality was shaken up by a deeper love — one from the outside, one that I’d heard of before but never experienced. For the first time, I was convicted of my sin in a way that made me consider everything I loved (idolized), and its consequences. I looked at my life, and saw that I had been in love with everything except God, and these decisions would ultimately be the death of me, eternally. My eyes were opened, and I began to believe everything God says in his word. I began to believe that what he says about sin, death, and hell were completely true.
And amazingly, at the same time that the penalty of my sin became true to me, so did the preciousness of the cross. A vision of God’s Son crucified, bearing the wrath I deserved, and an empty tomb displaying his power over death — all things I had heard before without any interest had become the most glorious revelation of love imaginable.
After realizing all of what I would have to give up, I said to God, “I cannot let these things or people go on my own. I love them too much. But I know you are good and strong enough to help me.”
Now, at the age of 23, I can say with all honesty that God has done just that. He has helped me love him more than anything.
Now why did I just tell you about this? I gave you a glimpse of my story because I want you to understand that I understand. But I also want you to know that I also understand how it feels to be in love with the Creator of the universe. To want nothing more than to be with him forever. To feel his grace, the best news ever announced to mankind. To see his forgiveness, that he would take such a wicked heart into his hands of mercy.
But with that in mind, we’re in a culture where stories like mine either seem impossible or hilarious, depending on the audience. Homosexuality is everywhere — from music, to TV, even sports. If you’d believe all that society had to say about homosexuality, you’d come to the conclusion that it is completely normal, even somewhat admirable. But that is far from the truth. God tells us that homosexuality is sinful, abominable, and unnatural (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:18–32; 1 Corinthians 6:9–11; 1 Timothy 1:8–10). But if I were to be honest, sometimes homosexual attractions can seem natural to me.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this may be your dilemma as well. You see what God has to say about homosexuality, but your heart doesn’t utter the same sentiments. God’s word says it’s sinful; your heart says it feels right. God’s word says it’s abominable; your heart says it’s delightful. God’s word says it’s unnatural; your heart says it’s totally normal. Do you see that there is a clear divide between what God’s word says and how your heart feels?
So which voice should you believe?
There was a time in my walk with Christ where I experienced a lot of temptation about falling back into lesbianism. These temptations caused me to doubt God’s word. My temptations and desires began to become more real to me than the truth of the Bible. As I was praying and meditating on these things, God put this impression on my heart: “Jackie, you have to believe that my word is true even if it contradicts how you feel.” Wow! This is right. Either I trust in his word or I trust my own feelings. Either I look to him for the pleasure my soul craves or I search for it in lesser things. Either I walk in obedience to what he says or I reject his truth as if it were a lie.
The struggle with homosexuality is a battle of faith. Is God my joy? Is he good enough? Or am I still looking to broken cisterns to quench a thirst only he can satisfy? That is the battle. It is for me, and it is for you.
The choice is yours, my friend. I pray you put your faith in Christ and flee from the lies of our society that coincide with the voices of your heart — a heart that Scripture says is wicked and deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). Run to Jesus instead.
You were made for him (Romans 11:36). He is ultimately all that you need! He is good and wise (Psalm 145:9). He is the source of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3). He is kind and patient (2 Peter 3:9). He is righteous and faithful (Psalm 33:4). He is holy and just (1 John 1:9). He is our true King (Psalm 47:7). He is our Savior (Jude 1:25). And he is inviting you to be not just his servant, but also his friend. If lasting love is what you’re looking for anywhere else, you are chasing the wind, seeking what you will never find, slowly being destroyed by your pursuit.
But in Jesus, there is fullness of joy. In Jesus, there is a relationship worth everything, because he is everything. Run to him.

Jackie Hill (@jackieehill) is a poet from St. Louis who has been saved by a gracious God. She is part of legacymovement.org and will be performing at their conference July 25–27.

November 2013

在過去的六個月我的腦海裡一直鑽研著這幾個問題﹕
神想要我在同性戀圈子裡做甚麼或不做甚麼﹖
我可以怎麼樣維護關心感覺受壓迫的同志朋友?

這幾個月在網上找了數個牧師提到同性戀的講道，
聽了2-3遍，好像聽懂了又好像沒聽懂。
如果說要試試一個人是否真的明白一件事，你可以讓他自己解釋整件事，只有內裡
理解後他才能用口告訴你來龍去脈。

我解釋不出來我學到甚麼。

對於為甚麼很多人相信基督徒在欺壓同性戀，我不知道要怎樣回應，我不同意這是
神原本的心意，我承認自己也有份帶給同志朋友壓力。
六個月來徒勞無功的思考帶給我極大的折磨，我很想放棄不理會，它卻常常浮上心
頭。
真是上帝跟我開玩笑麼﹖
我也意識到其實自己從不正視同志朋友的需要，沒有真正的關心過，不相信神也要
贖回同志們。
我的痛苦也來自我的內疚，因為我傷害了一位同志基督徒，我成了她和耶穌中間的
絆腳石。
怎麼我從自己的同性戀情中剛站穩，現在反帶給她混亂和疑惑﹖
怎麼我把自己的經歷告訴朋友想鼓勵她，反讓她加倍遠離我﹖
怎麼同志朋友先利用我的友情求換取愛情，現在怪我欺負她﹖
原來我自己還沒有真正的站穩，她的愛情其實也動搖了我。

混亂中，我只知道。。。。
耶穌，這是你給我的新學習，是你在給我裝備。
在適當的時候，只有你能改變人的心。