Change of heart

God changed my heart and desires. Last year I prayed for a change of heart.

God answered it by showing me great sensitivity to any same sex attraction. As I lift my struggle to God and chose a life that pleases God. He saved me and I stopped feeling that attraction toward that person within a week. Praise God! I'm so grateful that I don't have to live against God's will anymore.

August 10-20, 2015. I had another emotional depression because my ex was married at my church. I was extremely broken and couldn't get myself out of it. Another day went by, I asked myself, how's she doing? Is she happy with her new family?
The bitterness, sadness no longer surfaced, I was calm and didn't go crazy thinking of her happiness. I realized God had changed my heart of loving her to not in less than a week. I was very touched and happy to experience God and Your power.

Lord Jesus,
I thank You for Your miraculous hands and loving watch over me. I have fought this love/hurt battle from my ex for over 5 years. After she got married, I felt uneasy whenever I thought of her.

This week when I wonder again how she is doing? How's her married life? Is she happy?
My heart no longer felt that burden, hatred, pain, and sadness that popped up all these years. I don't remember if it's something I did/said, but I know it's God.
He heard my cry and prayers; my proclamation that He has victories over my sadness/hatred/anger/pain; my continual battle to live with these negative emotions everyday. God, You've rescued me from this battle I could have never won, I felt so defeated in. Thank You, Lord, for Your unexpected rescue, for Your powerful hands, for Your unfailing love for me.

What an amazing day of realization, praise, celebration, and freedom!

I miss you so much. I may not be able to love someone else.

生日快樂

Reading through our story, I noticed some patterns in you and me.

You run away easily and hold on to love every minute. You accept love easily and could not set a healthy boundaries. You thought you love me but you are just selfish. Your love is limited and brief. You could share your deep love with me but you also shared it with others. You didn't give me exclusive love like the kind I gave you. You did not love my flaws but part of me. You didn't really know who you are, your limits, weaknesses and strengths. You needed love from me to feel valuable and worthy. You are insecure in who you are, in relationships.You are ungrateful for taking advantages of me paying for your phone and meals. You always fall out of love. I hate you for presenting yourself so nicely that I fell for you.

I seek for love and approval from you. Your love increased my worth. I am addicted to your love and physical wants. I fell in love with your choice of words and talents. Your words were important to me. I was deeply touched when you cooked dinners for me, waited by my car, preparing special occasions for me, your undivided love/attention for me. I enjoyed spending time with you, sharing my thoughts/dreams with you, visiting new places with you, fulfilling your dreams together. I enjoyed buying gifts/needs for you. Once time I got you a yellow mini cooper from Ebay, you burst into tears and surprised me. I enjoyed your appreciation and affirmation.

Our relationship has ended and everything here should no longer be real and affecting me. I refuse to bring all of these into my presence and future. I refuse to hate you and hate/love our relationship. I refuse to regret. I refuse to stay angry. I refuse to stay hurt. I refuse to stay bitter. Jesus set me free from this relationship and all of the pains. Jesus redeemed my life so that I can have a brand new, meaningful life with Him. I belong to Jesus. All of these memories belong to Jesus and I trust in Him. I trust that Jesus will take great care of me. He will heal me in His time and the best treatment plan. I proclaim that I'm now free from this relationship, free from this person. I have the power to live my life and enjoy what Jesus gives me.

I never tell you how angry I am, how hurt and sad I am by your betrayal and dishonesty, how I hate you, how miserable you made me feel, and how you made me suffer from emotional and physical problems. You betrayed me when you didn't say break up and started a relationship. I felt so ashamed that I had to be tricky to find out what happened. I was angry at reading the text of you calling someone "husband". I could not accept that. It drove me crazy and emotionally out of control. You could've said, let's break up, I don't love you anymore. And begin a relationship the next morning. You should've been honest with me.
That's wrong to ask me to rent my home for your wedding-related purposes. I want to hurt you and hit you so badly. I want to revenge and cause you suffering. I could've told the guy about us and I could've told your friends about us. You never explain your betrayal, don't seem to suffer or feel pain like I did, don't seem guilty. We never break up clearly so we might as well do it again today. From today on, we have no more relationship with one another. I live my life and you live yours. You no longer hold any importance in my heart and you have no more influence on me. I don't want to see you again and when we do run into each other, I don't know what I'd do. I want to move on and be over with this pain. You are getting married and what do I have? I'm still fighting memories and pain. When I think of our memory, I will feel pain or I'd smile, I'd accept the pain but I won't accept you. I think you owe me an apology. You are responsible for my suffering and my physical problem. Do you know how much time I put in to doctor visits and how much money they cost? I have done wrong too and I know I'm responsible for some of it. But you have to bear the responsibility too. I wanted to hurt you and hurt myself. I'm mad at myself for taking so long to recover. I try so hard to forgive you. It's been 5 years and I'm counting. You already moved on to start a relationship, broke up and got back together and now getting married.



Do you have anything to say?




I'm done talking. If you don't have anything to say, let's hang up.



If we don't have anything to say, let's hang up.



"Sorry ar."


"Received. Thank you for listening. I have to sleep, bye bye."

When we met at church, we became friends and got to know each other better. My heart started to itch for a romantic relationship with her and wanted to explore further. For the same reason, the devil planted that desire and pride in us. We soon fell in love and couldn't suppress our emotions/desires. Our love took off and grew into a beautiful thing that we both admired. We did things that we weren't proud of, we upset our Lord, we hid from Him and we continued this joy and fun relationship.

Sometime I felt ashamed and guilty to be near God, my heart was burdened with the thought of breaking up. What if she can't handle the break up? I heard "who do you think you are? You are not in control. I am in control of her life and I will take care of her."
I broke up with her via msn messenger and she acted like someone different for a while. She called and mumbled inaudible words like a person in shock. As I heard that she went crazy/unable to control herself, I was heart broken. I was still in love with her. When she returned to my town, we hung out like friends. She'd want to snuggle, but I'd run away. That frozen relationship/friendship lasted 2-3 months. She made new friends and at times she was busy. I was happy for her. When I learned that she has started dating this guy, I went mad. I felt helpless and wanted her back badly. I didn't remember what I did but I expressed that I wanted her back, I love her so much and I'm in pain watching her date another guy. After 2 weeks, she finally broke off with that guy and returned to me. I made a promise that I'll never leave her again.

Another year went by, we were happily enjoying one another. A friend told me that she is dating another guy. I told him, no way, I know who she is with. I observed and found nothing. Several weeks later I found phone call history of them chatting overnight and I found this guy. He rejected her love. I told her I knew and she came to say sorry and wanted me back. I was emotional but I didn't want to lose her. I agreed to give it a try. I should've asked her why she'd fall in love with another person when she is still dating me? Why did you want to come back to me when you are not ready?

2 months of normal relationship, we hung out, we met up for dinners, we went on trips, and we talked on the phones. Her conversation grew shorter and briefer. I wondered why so I looked up her phone call history, nothing. I went to her house and stayed there to see who came through. I watched her go online and chatted with friends on Fb. Once when I looked closer at her screen, she hid her chat window with one person. I didn't think much of it. She became less interested in my life and I had a difficult time adjusting. I would hang out at her house till very late and watched her behavior. One time I stole her phone and read some text messages. I found her calling another guy husband and I miss you, etc. I couldn't handle it. My heart was racing so fast and my legs trembled as I held her phone. I wanted to smash her phone to the floor but I didn't. I left her message open on the table and sat on floor. I started to cry and tremble. She found her message and stood next to me. We didn't exchange a word. She watched me cry. I felt angry, sad, insulted and wanted revenge. I ran out to my car, she followed. I felt ashamed to look hurt in front of her so I started my car. She called me while I drove and called. My tears came down, I barely saw the road. After 20 minutes, she called me and I finally answered. She said she is at my home. I told her I'm not there, I'm driving aimlessly.

Our relationship was stormy and deep. She was the only one who came this close to my heart. No one else has seen this side of me nor all of my dreams and wild thoughts.

A three year long relationship ended on bad terms. Five years later I'm still hit by anger, unforgiveness, sadness, frustration, and bitterness.

Indeed I'm frustrated that I've not overcome the hurts, I've spent 5 years to heal a 3-year relationship, I'm angry with myself for not letting go after years of prayers and commitment in Christ.

Ahhhhhhhh

This week I learn that Christ welcomes me and is eager to see me, as I go to Him with my weaknesses, anger, sadness, brokenness, unforgiveness, frustration, hurts. He loves me the same!!! I'm slowly grasping this full acceptance of a failing me, a broken me, flawed me. Why, Lord, that You care this much?

I had a dream that I was in HK and I met up with K.
I was quite happy to see her and I was tempted to kiss her.
Later on I ran into my 6th grade teacher and all of my primary classmates and they were here to see me. I knew K coordinated this all. I was very touched that she would do so much to bring everyone out to see me. I didn't want to wake up but I was late to work!
It was difficult to leave K and the good time with my classmates.

What would happened if Lord Jesus didn't save me from my homosexual behaviors?
What would happened if Lord Jesus didn't show me a way out of my homosexual behaviors?



My life would have continued toward an end, a separation from everything that's true, noble, right, admirable, pure, lovely, praiseworthy and good.

There is so much more life in exploring and seeking the Creator. There is more to life, than living without Creator.

My resting heart rate has gone up to 96bpm last week.... I become tired easily, not motivated to exercise, have a hard time relaxing. I can hear my heart pound inside of me. I keep praying to God to heal me, to touch me, to glorify Him, show me who He is during this time of healing and resting.
Today heart rate has gone up to 126bpm while I sat on a conference call. It was difficult to focus and analyze what the call was about.

This is a frustration period where my body can't catch up with my mind nor complete what my mind wants to achieve.

Is this what the holy spirit go through when I disobey him?

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/60-thought-provoking-questions-that-will-change-your-perspective-life.html

1. Who are the people you surround yourself with?

 I surround myself with people who are sincerely concerned about life and those who care for me.
Friends who share spiritual findings with me, my parent who love me unconditionally, and I enjoy quiet time alone or God.

1. How do you express your gratitude for good things and people you have in your life?

I praise the people around me and I give thanks to God. Sometime I'd pray for them and pick them up in their hard times.

1. What are you spending your money on?

Mostly on myself, clothing, dining out, traveling, home.

1. Are you satisfied with your work?

I am enjoying work and constantly struggling for a balance of integrity and performance.  Overall I'm content to be here.

1. Did you pause to celebrate the last time you accomplished a goal, big or small?

All the time, I celebrate with my fav food, snacks or sweet drinks. 

1. Do you consider yourself worthy of love and admiration?

I deserve love and admiration. I'm becoming the person I want to date and marry!

1. How do you react when you encounter a homeless person?

I look away and ask God to forgive me for being heartless. I always doubt how they will spend the money, it's very hard for me to let go of hard earned money.

1. Do you meditate daily for at least 5 minutes?

Yes, esp when I drive ~30min to work. I'd pray and give thanks to God, asking God to lead every decision that I make this day.


How do you deal with failure?

I'm very bad at it, I hate failing, failures/mistakes make me feel sad, useless and worthless. When failure hits me, I'd be very quiet and avoidant of crowds. I'd withdraw to solitude, may eat unhealthy snacks/sweet drinks to cheer me up, I'd talk to Jesus, do self talk to find out what makes me sad. I usually need a few days/weeks to sort through things and emotions if it's a big failure.

1. What is your favorite quote? 

If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

1. What do you want your life to look like in 5 years? Do you have a plan to get there?

In 5 years, I hope I'm married and starting a family. My plan to get there is to pray and wait for God to answer His own promise for my family. I should be in a different position at my career, possibly the same company but greater responsibilities.

1. What inspires you?
2. If you could only speak one word today, what would you say?
3. When was the last time you took some time to be alone?
4. If you could spend 15 minutes with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? Why?
5. Did you say “I love you” to the most important person in your life today?
6. What step can you take today in order to fulfill your deepest desire?
7. How have you educated yourself today?
8. What did failure to reach your goal teach you about yourself?
9. Did you read a positive or uplifting book today?
10. Are you holding on to any past mistakes?
11. What habits are holding you back from success?
12. Are you feeding your fears or your hopes and dreams?
13. What gives you peace?
14. How do you challenge your assumptions?
15. What is the biggest frustration you’re facing now?
16. Are your goals and dreams written down?
17. What is your relationship with money?
18. How do you keep a sense of perspective when life gets difficult?
19. Are you a good listener?
20. What gives you meaning?
21. How often do you keep in touch with family and friends?
22. What is the source of your procrastination?
23. How much time are you spending on social media?
24. Are you able to say no, even when it makes you unpopular?
25. Who are your professors in the school of life?
26. Do you bring your work home with you?
27. When was the last time you had an exciting idea that kept you awake most of the night? Are you pursuing that idea today?
28. What are the top 2 compliments you hear from people about yourself?
29. When someone sees your name on caller ID, what thoughts and feelings do you want them to have?
30. Have you ever invested in yourself financially? Why or why not?
31. If you were asked to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
32. What books have influenced you the most?
33. Who are the people under your influence?
34. Do you trust your own instincts?
35. Do you choose happiness or leave it to chance?
36. Are you open to experiencing something outside your comfort zone everyday?
37. What small habit can you change today?
38. What’s your favorite exercise routine?
39. Name one psychological barrier in your life? What is it holding you back from doing?
40. Do you fear rejection? What are you doing to overcome this fear?
41. Do you follow through on commitments?
42. How many times a day do you check your email?
43. Are you content? If not, what is the source of your lack of contentment?
44. If you could eliminate one things from your life today, what would it be?
45. Who are you becoming?

I encourage you to go through the questions again, slowly and deliberately. This list is not exhaustive, so I hope it inspires

Ah
I had a third dream of C since our last hiking trip. We have been whats apping and I try not to intrude and leave some personal space.

1. field trip with C and others
2. His parent's birthday party with his bro and a few people
3. I went to crash at his home for 1-2 nights, he hosted me and took care of me. Even prepared toothbrush and a cup for me. I was impressed by his attentiveness and caring heart.

When I woke up, I felt sweet and pleasant. Logically I asked myself, I don't know anything about this person, nor the dream tells me anything about his true characters.